Good evening, friends. Whether early or late for you, I hope this finds any and all well. I ought to write more, I really should. A New Year's resolution, perhaps? But more on resolutions later.
I need to be more honest with myself than I have been, despite how dangerous that can sometimes be. I try to be honest and fair in my dealings with other people, but as the year has worn on, and soon to draw to a close, I have begun to realize that I need to be more honest with myself. I need to better understand myself. That's really hard. Those who know me well could tell you that I'm one to drift in my own thoughts, staring blankly at a wall for hours. Doing so, I think I made progress this year. Other times it seemed like a good one-on-one conversation helped (I'm not overly found of groups, either, unless it is a group I know well, like my fraternity).
What's my point in all this? Hmm. Perhaps I need to work on finding those. I'm fond of language and literature. To be eloquent...not even using bodacious numbers of unnecessarily fanciful colloquialisms so as to be mellifluous and educated -- rather, speak well of who, and what you are, to know how and when to speak. This world can be an ugly place, I know. I've been there. But it can also be beautiful. Nature, music, poetry...those things are beautiful and eloquent.
Lately I have been lonely. It seems strange to admit --especially so publicly-- but nevertheless it is true. Lonely, and feeling like I've lost touch. I finished the fall term with relative success, and I hope to reconnect and recharge over the holiday. A few close friends have kept, and will keep, me company while I am home. For that, I am so very thankful. My reason tells me that I sound overly dramatic, but I speak as truthfully as I can. Frankly, there are only a few situations where I don't feel this way.
The first I noticed last spring, when these feelings started. I've clung to it ever since. Some days, I really need company. I can live as a hermit for a while, but I came to realize how much I need the human connection. It takes a bit of nerve for me to find company, but once I do, I am glad I did. A bit of conversation and a cup of tea really is a balm to me. (Hey, that rhymed).
The second I realized I should use more often this fall term. I rarely had the time to play music anymore. My instruments by and large sat under my bed, untouched, for the greater part of the term. Those few times I played, especially the Irish bouzouki, I was ecstatic. A good friend of mine came down the hall, having heard me playing, and grinned in approval. She was enjoying hearing the dance tune as much as I was enjoying making it. Music, friends, is a part of us. It expresses something deep within that I don't think we fully grasp. It transcends language. For me, music is a vehicle for emotions I don't want to express --or maybe can't fully express-- with just words. It helps to express the loneliness. It helps, to release the doubt, the sadness, the joy --whatever--and to share it with the walls, or perhaps the random passer-by.
And the third method I found today. No longer buried under required readings, I've been reading a book of my own choice for a day (not to mention several others I will finish before I resume school). While lost in a fantasy world, I forgot completely how I had been feeling. Perhaps being home is part of it, I'll admit, but perhaps that is why there is so much I want to read. The books, too, keep me company.
With the new year fast approaching, the prospect looks to be both exciting and challenging. I want to go to bed soon, so I won't tarry to much longer here. But in short, here are my resolutions.
One: deepen the company I have. I really feel blessed (if that is the right word) for the friends I have. Some, I don't know well enough, and others I have drifted from out of sheer laziness to not make the effort to forge friendship. I want to put energy into this. On a related note (though this is for another post, forthcoming) perhaps I can also meet some new people.
Two: be gentler in my speech and manner, but also not be afraid to be boldly honest. I don't want ot harm people, I want to make them think, if I can. So, I want to watch my tongue and my temper more closely. I know I have made great progress on this from a year ago, but I know I could do more. Especially with regards to knowing when I should speak my mind, and when it is wiser to simply listen.
Three: play more music! I had plans for a recording or two, but with little to show currently. Practically, a litlte extra money wouldn't hurt, especially with rising university costs. Personally, I'm gravitating more towards playing the bouzouki above other things. I want to focus on that, and see where it leads me. I think all in all that I will be happier by doing so.
Four: This has two portions. Read more. I read a lot for school, so I want to be even more selective with classes. I'm already very selective, I know, but I want to start thinking long term, how the class fits in with the bigger picture. That's not to stomp out alternative futures, but rather to know that a class can help mould that future, because of what I have read and studied. Which leads to the second part. I've decided within the last year to be a professor. But I haven't decided what I want to teach. My current programme of study allows for a lot of flexibility as an undergraduate, and a broad foundation as a graduate. This relates to my previous goals. I think that friendships, good conversation, meeting new people, seeing where my music takes me, reading more -- all of it will add something, and help guide my way. I believe that God can use those experiences to show me what I need to see.
To close, I'm thinking of a few lines by Robert Service.
"I have some friends, some honest friends, and honest friends are few; My pipe of briar, my open fire, A book that's not too new."
Yup, that's me alright to the letter. Though, I suppose in my case if the book is clased the bouzouki is in my hands. Well, friends, it doesn't seem my lot is so bad. Good-night, and joy behoove you.
Hullo again, friends. I am going to resume writing. So, I would like to post a brief essay I wrote. It was for an application to become a Lilly Scholar at my University. The Scholars are part of PathWays, the group devoted to theological discernment, determining what it is that God wants in our lives.
Enjoy, and peace always, Caleb
#2:
At PathWays, we are committed to helping students discover God’s call for their
lives, and the ways that that call might address the world’s deep needs. What
do you believe is the calling of all Christians, and how does your own
developing sense of calling relate to this larger call?
‘Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy…’ –Prayer of St Francis of Assisi
In the prayer of St Francis I
believe it is possible to see the calling of all Christians. As children of
God, as followers of Jesus, we are called to spread the peace and love of the
Almighty. The love of God for his children is difficult to fathom. It is deep
and humbling. But it is never ours alone. We should always strive to not only
see God in others, but to have them see God in us (and surely, is God our
Creator not in each of us?).
As I have prayed more, and connected
more with God, I am always comforted by the nature of His love for us. The joy
that it brings is something which I feel compels us to share that joy with all
of those around us. That is what the Prayer of St Francis asks of God, our source
of inspiration and strength. We are to instruments of the peace of God, to sow
his love and forgiveness into the hearts of others. I believe, too, that that
is why our faith is so challenging, and yet so rewarding. It is not an easy
task to imitate Christ. But, if we can strive for that, if we can sow faith,
and hope, and love to those around us, I feel that we too will reap of those
blessings.
Frankly, I find this is a difficult
topic about which to write. But, I also find that a Christian life is a difficult
life to live. That is why our community is there, the body of Christ as Paul
put it. This community shares the same difficulties of following the Christian
commandments. As Paul wrote in his letter to the Galatians, ‘the entire law is summed up in a single
command: "Love your neighbor as yourself”’ (Gal 5:14). This commandment
first appears in Leviticus 19:18, but was repeated (and in many ways fulfilled)
by Jesus.
There
is a second part of the prayer of St Francis, which I believe sums up what the love
commandment can mean:
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
We are to bring others the understanding
and comfort of God and what knowing His presence in our lives can mean. By
giving of ourselves out of love – as Jesus did – then we show love to our
neighbors.
With
regards to my own growing sense of a calling to serve God, I wish to append a
line onto the prayer: It is in teaching
that we are taught. I believe that I may be called to be a professor. There
is also the strong possibility of missionary work. Both of these involve not
only knowledge of this world, but also knowledge of the Divine. In teaching
about God, in talking about Him and sharing His love, we are also taught more
about Him and about what He wants in our lives. In that way, each person’s
calling becomes eternal. Just as His love is constant, feeding love with love,
and faith with faith, the calling (in my case, to teach) feeds and strengthens
itself.
I
will admit that the thought of ‘being called to serve God’ is terrifying. But
the more I share my experiences with others, and the more they share theirs
with me, I am assured of God’s hand upon me, and upon each of us. All knowledge
springs from Him, and the more we know the body of Christ, the more we know
Him.
Before I sat down to write I enjoyed a cup of blackcurrant tea. Over the flavours of the tea a thought floated across my mind in a slow graceful dance. My thought was this: A simple life does not mean one has simple thoughts or hopes, but rather that one is joyful because of simple things. In my case, this seemingly simple thing was a cup of tea. Soon thereafter I was entertained by the music of rain upon the roof.
The ideas of simple living have always fascinated me. Things like gardening, woodworking, camping -- hard work at times yes, but rewarding nonetheless. But as I matured I realized that such simple things, like my Ma's garden, had a quality all of their own. It was profound. To think that a small seed would grow into a plant bearing fruit...
Perhaps I am not wording this clearly. By stripping our lives of the unnecessary, complicated things in our lives, by slowing down, and finding a simple life, we can appreciate God's wonders ten thousandfold. A simple life does not mean monotony, it means finding an appreciation for the good details, while not worrying over the bad ones.
Lately I've been doing a lot of pondering of the future. In a fortnight I leave to resume my schooling. Tis bittersweet to me. To be again among the company I so dearly miss is a joy, but to again leave my childhood home is a thorn. The town means little to me now, or when I am gone, but at the end of the day I am glad I am here -- because once, it did mean something to me. It was my daily life.
When I return, I will not be the same person I was when I left for the summer. At least, not in some ways. The profound changes that had begun in me last year have continued, and so I am different. Perhaps someday I will understand more how I have changed, instead of simply knowing that I have.
Every one in a while, I believe we ought to dust out the cobwebbed corners of our souls, and figure out who we really are, and who we wish to be. When I understood that, my outer appearance, and my demeanour, began to reflect that. I turned over a new leaf, just in time for them to fall like embers.
And now, as I must begin to say goodbye to those I've just said hullo, I take a deep breath, knowing He is with me. As he molds me, I will continue to change. Here, Friends, I shall write of my changes, hopefully more often then I have been.
Jean-Paul Sartre once said, "Everything has been figured out, except
how to live." I used to believe that, and maybe I still do. Struggling
to find solid ground in the world around me, all I've really wanted is
peace. I've grown up comfortably, really. The hardships of generations
past have paid off, and I reap what they have sown. But, with all of
the world for me to take, if only I desire it, I find myself asking if
it's really what I want. How do I want to live?
I can;t answer that question fully. But I'd like to think I'm an honest lad, and so I'll answer what I can.
First,
I'd like to share a few of my joys with this cyber-world. For one, I
deeply love poetry. Language, it all of its capability, can be moulded,
so that the simplest of words may convey subtle feelings. Along with
this love of poetry comes a love for language as a whole, including
Irish Gaelic, the language of my ancestors. Nothing can quite give me
chills like a song in the Old Tongue.
Second, I have an abiding
love of folk music, and other similar styles. For me, life is about
observation, feeling, expression. The simple songs have conjured in me
such great joys and sorrows. Perhaps I seem aloof, nay I only strive
for eloquence.
Last, but though by no means least, I strive for
peace. Along the journey I began to find it, in the eyes of people I
love, in the sunrises and sunsets, in the laughter of children and the
heart of friends. It is fellowship, it is belonging. It is PEACE.
So,
Monsieur Sartre, I say 'au contraire' to you. I may not know every
detail, but I know where my heart lay. Living is about joy. Breathe
deep, play a song, or find a good book. The way to live is to
uncomplicate living. Don't just act. Experience!
Through poetry, prose and song I reflect upon the world around me, and on how knowing Him has made me more kind, more calm, and more joyful. Nature is often where you will find me, with a book or maybe an instrument in hand. I wander where my feet may go.
